dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
