Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
