It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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