Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
