it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
