Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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