Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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