put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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