my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
