You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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