You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
