does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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