I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
