We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
3 2 1 whiskey
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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