me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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