I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
