There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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