I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
