i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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