Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
