Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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