we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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