dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
