why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A+ Viking dick
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
