Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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