I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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