just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
