you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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