Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
