I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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