I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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