youre lurking in front of me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Still dying that you shit outside
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
