Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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