you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
