Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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