I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
