I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
