i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
someone owes me an orgasm
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
