I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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