This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
