No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Actions speak louder than pants.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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