That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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