At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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