listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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