I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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