If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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