All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
