I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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