This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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