You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
