i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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