I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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