ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
