Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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