Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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