This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
