Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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